By: Stacy Liberatore
Look before you leap and think before you speak, especially if you are talking to your bartender. As a bartender, I can tell you we hear stupidity every night. Some nights, the patrons are drunk, while other nights they are just plain stupid.
I decided to put together a cheat sheet of 10-things you should never say to your bartender. You’re probably going to cringe when you read the list because I guarantee you probably said several of these to your bartenders recently.
What do you recommend?
I can’t summon the beer gods to let me know what you’re into. I’m a bartender not a psychic. If you’re serious about this question I will make you a blow job shot and force you into taking it the correct way- in front of the whole bar. Don’t ask a bartender what she recommends.
Can you hook me up?
Sure, I can hook you up if you pay my rent, electric, cable, and tuition. You can have whatever you want for free, otherwise have your credit card ready.
How many times have you been hit on tonight?
Tons. I’m a pretty girl wearing a tight t-shirt, and I get better tips when the guys see me smile. Do you feel more confident about trying to hit on me now? Probably not.
Do you have plans this weekend?
One of the reasons I’m a bartender is because I only have to work a few days to make what some people make in a week. But of course, it comes with a price. My weekend is Monday and Tuesday but I’d more than happy to plan something then. I wouldn’t recommend taking me to a bar because it’s not my idea of escape. Next question.
Wanna go to a bar?
If I’ve just spent the past five days slinging drinks and dealing with sloppy drunks that’s the last place I want to go. First suggest a movie night or I might just suggest a night out. If you want to go out with a bartender, let her pick the date.
Ever thought about getting a real job?
I pay taxes just like everyone else, so if this isn’t a “real job” the government has been getting it all wrong the past five years.
How much should I tip you?
I don’t know if this is a rhetorical question or if you’re being serious. If you’re really seeking an opinion, I will simply ask, “Well how much is in your bank account.” Yes it sounds just as ridiculous as you’re question.
I’ll get you next time.
Yeah, I’ll sit here and hold my breath until I see you again. If you don’t have enough to tip don’t drink. It’s part of the deal.
Can you make this?
There’s a million different drinks and shots out there and most bars have everything you need to make them. The problem is if I’ve never heard of your special drink, I will politely ask you what’s in it. But if you don’t know what is in it, I can’t make it. So, if you are going to ask for a specific drink, make sure you know what’s in your drink.
You need to smile.
Just because I’m not smiling doesn’t mean I’m in a bad mood. It means I have 20 people waving at me, my sink is overflowing with dirty glasses, my feet hurt, I’m in the middle of looking for someone’s tab, and a guy at the end of the bar keeps whistling for my attention, while the buddy next to him speaks to my chest while he orders his drink in a slurred speech.. I’m in the zone not in a bad mood. You telling me to smile will put me in one though.