The Art of Seduction
By Stephanie Rios
So you’re in a crowded bar sipping a cocktail with your buddy when the prettiest woman walks through the door. She’s with her girlfriend, and they are laughing and smiling, living in the moment. She makes quick eye-contact with you.
What’s your response?
(A) Look at your drink and take a sip. (B) Ignore her completely. (C) Maintain eye contact and wait for the right moment to flash your smile. (D) Give her a creepy stare.
The moment continues.
She and her girlfriend sit next to you. You can’t help but overhear their animated discussion about boys at work. Then, they order two margaritas from the bartender.
What’s your response?
(A) Order a tequila shot for yourself. (B) Ignore their conversation. (C) Tell the girl lime and salt is way over-rated. They should try a grapefruit slice, which over-rides the taste of alcohol. (D) Move your chair closer to get a better look at her red, lacy, bra strap.
Whether you know it or not, that woman has already summed you up by now. She might not be aware of it or even know why she came to her conclusions, but anthropologists say women subconsciously determine a man’s value within the first few seconds of seeing him. She’s also assessed whether she wants anything more from him.
“The first thing I notice in a guy is his smile,” says 26-year-old Michelle Weaver, who lives and works in Manhattan. “If he smiles at me, I know he’s confident, and if he’s confident, he probably has a decent job and isn’t living off his parents. What does a smile tell me? It probably tells me he’s warm, friendly, nice, not a serial killer. You can tell a lot by a guy’s smile.”
Research shows a smile is the first thing women notice in a man
Sociologists at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland found men who smiled at women were viewed as more attractive than men who remained expressionless. But here’s the catch. The women were looking at the same man – one face smiling and one face not smiling. The authors of the study also concluded that men exuded more confidence by smiling, which in turn, altered their behavior in a positive manner.
Dr. Helen Fisher, a research anthropologist at Rutgers University in New Jersey, has spent decades studying the evolution of human sexuality, gender differences and behavioral differences between men and women. She says first impressions matter. That first sighting is influential and powerful, and should never be underestimated by men because it will set the course for the future of the relationship. That is, assuming you make it past the first round of drinks.
Learn to be a Negotiator
Fisher says all of the data involving first encounters between the sexes suggests that everyone –men and women- loves a personality trait, anthropologists have labeled, Negotiators. Negotiators know how to lure you in with their words and seduce you with their behavior. Fisher describes Negotiators as people with temperaments that are agreeable, imaginative, verbal and expressive. She says research has shown Negotiators are verbally skilled for conversations. In other words, they can talk your ear off, and hold your attention at the same time.
Fisher’s research has shown Negotiators are also good at reading people’s faces, gestures, posture, tone of voice, and applying that instant analysis to the current situation. Better yet, strangers who meet Negotiators tend to believe they are more compassionate, nurturing, and creative people. Fisher says regardless of your personality type, everyone is attracted to these types of temperaments from the get-go, and projecting this image can increase your chances of seduction.
It makes sense from a selfish perspective. Wouldn’t you want to hang around a person who thinks you are awesome and always right?
There’s probably a reason why everyone likes Negotiators. They make us believe that we are great people.
But what if you’re not naturally expressive or charming or maybe you have a personality that tends to be argumentative among strangers?
Fisher says, 50 percent of our temperament is based on our genetic makeup. So even if your Dad was a loser who ate bologna sandwiches from a lunch pale, you still have a 50 percent chance at seducing the woman of your dreams. All you have to do is convince her that you have the temperament of a Negotiator. And even if you’re not a natural Negotiator, you can learn to fake it.
Learn the art of small talk
Ron Louis wrote the book on how to succeed with women. Seriously, he wrote the book: How to Succeed with Women. His book is written in first person, and he details what he learned through trial and error as he tried to pickup women. In one of his chapters, Flirting with Disaster, Louis tells readers to ask women questions freely. But not just any questions. Louis tells men to ask women about things the female species already knows. It might sound sophomoric until you realize he is applying one of the crucial traits of all Negotiators.
Men must learn how to become verbally skilled for conversations.
Louis has a few tips for his readers, one of which is to make inquiries about items or things that women care about. If the object of your seduction is holding a flower at the moment, ask her about it. Just make an effort at small talk. Louis even offers a few communicative tips for the socially awkward introverts, like asking that woman with a flower, “Why do you think women love flowers so much? What is so special about flowers?”
Louis says by asking questions like this, you are engaging the woman into conversation about what she likes and doesn’t like. It might take a little imagination, but hey remember, that’s also a trait of Negotiators. Be imaginative with your conversation. (Hint Negotiator)
Pay attention to the details
Look for opportunities of creativity. (Hint Negotiator) If the woman is wearing a unique necklace, tell her, “That is a pretty necklace. What is the story behind it?” Louis might not know it in his book, but he is giving readers advice on how to act like Negotiators.
Toni Coleman, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach, says men who are honest and open with women will succeed in relationships. She says men must express what they are looking for and they should be willing to take that initiative at all times. They should also actively work to engage the opposite sex, which supports the Negotiator theory.
Remember? Negotiators know how to hold onto your attention. And in case you need another refresher course: Pacifism isn’t listed as a temperament of Negotiators. Contextual thinking is listed as a trait.
Coleman tells clients to always maintain good eye contact during social situations because it gives off the vibe that you feel comfortable with yourself and are interesting. It also reinforces to the woman that you care about being with her. Good eye contact subconsciously tells the woman you are honest and sincere. Okay, so maybe you aren’t sincere in your feelings just yet, but to seduce a woman, you need to at least give the impression that you care about her.
Coleman offers a few simple conversational starters as well, like: Isn’t this a great band? That drink looks delicious. Or even a simple “Hi.” Whatever your opening is, Coleman says, just make sure it sounds natural and is fitting for the situation.
This sound like common sense. Perhaps, but Negotiators are experts at recognizing the timing and place that is perfect for seduction, and often it is when least expected. In other words, they understand how and when to use common sense.
The Art of Seduction is Truly an Art of Seduction
It is a personality and temperament that is finely tuned and nearly invisible to the naked eye. Author Robert Greene tried to break down the art of seduction into a more concrete description and guidebook, aptly titled: The Art of Seduction. In his book, he says to ultimately seduce a woman, you need to create an aura around you and her. He suggests men create this aura of seduction by keeping a woman in suspense at all times.
In his book, under the chapter “Keep them in suspense-What comes next” Greene wrote:
“The only way to lead the seduced along and keep the upper hand is to create suspense, a calculated surprise. Doing something they do not expect from you will give them a delightful sense of spontaneity. They will not be able to foresee what comes next. You are always one step ahead and in control.”
Greene also suggests men use seductive or imaginative language to hold a woman’s attention. He says men can do this by flattering the object of intention with words, comforting their insecurities, enveloping them with sweet promises. The trick, Greene writes, is to give women what they want to hear. Fill their ears with positive and pleasant thoughts. Seduce their mind, and you will seduce their bodies.
Learn to master the art of the bold move
Greene says when the moment of opportunity arrives, you can’t hesitate. If the woman of your desires hints at being attracted to you, don’t wait to act on it. Instead, Greene says, throw aside chivalry, kindness and coquetry and overwhelm her with your bold moves. Don’t give her time to reconsider or second-guess her own decisions.
Any sign or hint at hesitation or awkwardness suggests you are putting yourself first, as opposed to allowing the woman’s charms and sexuality to overwhelm you, Green says.
If the attraction is mutual, go on the offense
Greene, Toni Coleman, Ron Louis, Dr. Helen Fisher and all other sociologists, anthropologists, therapists and psychiatrists agree:
Humans as a species have insecurities. We all want to be loved and accepted. And by understanding that undermining need of humanity, you can learn how to seduce the woman of your dreams by playing to her weaknesses. Make her feel special, help her feel awesome, tell her she’s gorgeous.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, or for that matter a personality specialist, to understand this. Everyone wants to feel good, and if you can learn how to make the object of your desires feel loved and secure, you just might increase your chances of seducing her.
And by boldly facing the woman of your dreams, who knows, you just might get over some of your own insecurities, and be seduced in the process.