By Scott Hyatt
I went on a first date last night and it started and ended in exactly the same place: all about her.
Many of my female friends complain to me about how they can’t find a good guy in the city.
“Guys here don’t want to commit.”
“This City is 70% women, so it’s hard to find guys.”
“Guys don’t want strong women.”
I met a dating coach last week, purely by chance. I wasn’t looking for a free consultation but I ended up getting one. Unfortunately, the advice she gave me was for women and not men, so I can’t apply it to my life. But, I can tell you what this dating coach said. And to be honest, I think it makes a lot of sense, especially after my first date last night ended in another disaster.
More on that later.
First, advice from the dating coach.
The dating coach told me the mistake most women make is that they play victim. She said, women don’t want to take accountability for their action. As a result, they go through life in their 30s, blaming men.
“Men are intimidated by powerful women.”
“Men don’t want women my age. They want younger women.”
We’ve all heard those clichés before living in the City. But this dating coach said something I have never heard any woman say before – women need to change their energy if they want to find a partner. The dating coach said most women in NYC approach life with boxing gloves and that’s usually because they have to fight to succeed. It makes sense, but in their personal life, they give off the vibe that they don’t want men to approach them.
I didn’t think much of that “energy” statement until last night when I went on a date with a horrible woman who I hope emails me back so I can email her back and say, “seriously?”
This woman spent the first 1.5 hours talking about herself. She didn’t ask me one question. In fact, I should have walked away after the first 5-minutes when she described herself as a MAP/JAP. (Mexican-American Princess/Jewish American Princess)
Her energy was strong and stiff from the moment we met. She gave off the vibe that she was doing me a favor by having wine with me. She didn’t seem interested in me as a person.
But I stayed for the wine. She was also easy on the eyes.
At the end of the night after this woman had a few drinks inside her, she began to open up. She told me how it’s hard to find a good guy in New York City and every restaurant she goes to her with her girlfriend is packed with women. I told her, that’s weird. Every time I go out with my buddies it’s packed with men.
Perhaps that’s because guys go to places to hang out. We typically don’t go to places to be seen, like I know this woman does.
And guess what? She also repeated everything that the dating coach said NYC woman like to say.
“Men don’t want to date a successful woman.”
“Men are intimidated by powerful women.”
“Men want younger women.”
When she said that, I took the floor. I figured I wouldn’t go out with her again, so I asked her if she wanted my opinion on why she couldn’t find a guy. It was one of my few moments I got to share a story, and as a story-teller, I wasn’t happy with that.
I told her how the dating coach said most women show up in life with boxing gloves. They are on the defensive, which can easily come across as the offensive. I also told her that I thought most women in NYC had a sense of entitlement based on their success. She didn’t bother to ask me how or why I believe that.
Guys don’t have a problem dating successful women. I think I speak for most guys (and all of my friends) by saying we just want a person who is fun to hang out with and treats us with kindness. We don’t want to date a woman who assumes before the check even arrives that we will be picking it up because we are the males. (That’s what happened on our date. Before the check even hit the table, she thanked me for getting it).
It’s women like this who give most NYC women a bad rap. It reminded me of a woman who shared advice that her father told her as a child.
“My daddy says it’s just as easy to marry a rich man as it is a poor man, so I might as well marry a rich man.”
This woman is still single in her late 30s. How is that rich man coming along?
I’m sure I sound jaded on here, but I just want to give women a guy’s point of view. If women want to be equals, then they should be equal on everything. They shouldn’t be selective on when they want chivalry and when they want equality.
Guys may be shallow, (make that guys are shallow) but when it comes to women, we’re not really that dumb. We might play dumb, but in NYC, you have to be a tad street smart to succeed. And if you’re dating a guy who has achieved even a tadpole of success, he might just be playing you by playing dumb.
Something to think about the next time you go on a first date.